Overwhelmed By Emotion? The Most Common Concern I See In My Practice (and How to Manage It)

Anxiety. Sadness. Guilt. Anger. Frustration. Fear.

Uncertainty. Doubt.

We all experience these emotions. They are completely natural and normal, and a fundamental part of what makes us human. But sometimes, we can get really caught up in these feelings and we start to struggle with them. We try to push them away and get rid of them. But the more we struggle, the worse they get.

In fact, research shows that avoiding our emotions/struggling with them is one of the biggest causes of many psychological problems. This may seem counterintuitive, because the attempt to avoid these more ‘unpleasant’ emotions makes sense. But here’s why it doesn’t actually work in our favour.

Let’s say anxiety shows up. We start to struggle with it and try to get rid of it (naturally, because nobody likesto feel anxious) - “I can’t stand feeling this way”, “It isn’t right that I feel this bad”. But now we have anxiety about our anxiety. Then, we might get angry about our anxiety, because it keeps showing up and it’s getting worse. You might even start to feel sad about your anger, and then guilty about your sadness because “there are people out there with much bigger problems”.

So you see, the more you struggle, the more amplified your emotions get. Don’t just take my word for it. Check out your experience – has this ever happened to you? It’s definitely happens to me.

When we get all caught up in our emotions like this, we tend to engage in self-defeating behaviours in an effort to try and get rid of these emotions – maybe you turn to food, or to alcohol or drugs, or maybe you try and distract yourself with Netflix or Instagram and end up wasting time instead of engaging with your life in any meaningful way, or maybe you outright avoid doing the things that are important and make your life better because it seems easier than facing your emotion.

Ultimately, the result is that, in the long run, our life narrows because we don’t take important steps to create the life we want. 

Now, if you’re relating to this as you read it, some of these emotions might actually start to show up. Your mind might even be beating you up a little bit because you recognize that you get stuck in this vicious cycle. But try not to be too hard on yourself, we’ve all been there!

Remember, it’s completely natural to want to get rid of difficult emotions – after all, no one likes to feel bad or wantsto feel bad. But, like I mentioned earlier, there’s a paradox here. The more we try to get rid of our emotions and the more struggle with them, the more they grow.

So, what’s the alternative? How do we deal with our emotions more effectively?

Well, the idea here is that pain is an inevitable part of life, but suffering, however, is optional. Think about it – there will always be pain in life, there will always be anxiety, there will always be uncertainty. It shows up for all of us. This is one of the inconvenient truths of being human. But we don’t have to struggle with it and end up suffering.

In other words, our emotions aren’t the issue, it’s how we respond to them. Instead of struggling with them, the goal is to open ourselves up to them, make room for them, and allow them to be there, just as they are. In doing so, we reduce our suffering.

The idea of this might seem scary or overwhelming at first, especially if you’re used to struggling with them or pushing them away. This is completely normal. But know that emotions are not harmful in any way, they can’t hurt you. Are they uncomfortable and painful? Of course! But they are not dangerous or harmful, and they can be allowed to come and go freely.

Now, what happens when you stop struggling with your emotions?

Well, they don’t weigh you down as much or hang around for as long! When you let go of that struggle, your emotions are able to come and go more freely, and they don’t get amplified by all the other emotions that come with the struggle. So when anxiety shows up, it’s not that you like it, want it, or approve of it. You’re simply choosing not to struggle with it.

And instead of doing those things that waste time and limit your life in an effort to get rid of the anxiety, you can instead focus your time and energy on engaging with your life in a meaningful and fulfilling way – doing things that make your life work, like spending quality time with friends and family.

Here’s a really simple, but effective mindfulness exercise you can do to make room for your emotions when you notice some of the more difficult ones show up:

1. Close your eyes and start by taking a few slow, deep and mindful breaths

2. Next scan your body and see if you can notice where you’re feeling the emotion most intensely in your body. Usually, we tend to physically feel our emotions, either as tightness or tension in our chest, stomach, or neck, for example (remember, this is not dangerous!).

3. Observe the sensation with curiosity, flexibility, and a sense of openness, without judging it in any way.  Notice where it starts and where it ends. Learn as much about it as you can. If you had to draw a line around the sensation, what would the outline look like? Is it on the surface of the body, or inside you, or both? How far inside you does it go? Where is the sensation most intense? Where is it weakest? How is it different in the centre than around the edges? Is there any pulsation, or vibration within it? Is it light or heavy? Moving or still? What is its temperature? (*Observing the sensation is different than thinking about it. Any time you get caught up in your thoughts, which is completely normal and expected, refocus on your breath and gently bring your attention back to the feeling.)

4. Then, focus on breathing into the emotion/feeling in your body, as if your breath is flowing into and around it. See if you can drop the struggle with the feeling.

5. Open up and expand around the feeling. It’s as if, in some magical way, all this space opens up inside you and you make room for the feeling.

6. Once you’ve made space for it, see if you can allow this feeling to be there. You don’t have to like it or want it - just allow it.

This exercise can last anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes, to even 10-15 minutes. There’s no right or wrong. It’s about working through it until you drop the struggle with the emotion/feeling.

You may find this exercise difficult at first. You may even feel a strong urge to fight the emotion or push it away. Again, this is completely normal. If this happens, acknowledge the urge without giving into it (you can think of ‘acknowledging’ like nodding your head at the thought in recognition, as if to say, “Yep, I see you there”). Once you've acknowledged that urge, bring yourself back to the feeling.

Keep in mind that making room for your emotions is an ongoing process that will likely take some work and practice. The more you practice, the easier and more automatic it’ll become. Be patient and kind with yourself. After all, you’re learning a new skill, and any new skill takes some time to develop.

But if you keep at it, soon enough you’ll be able to allow your emotions to come and go, without struggling with them and getting bogged down, so that you can focus on doing what truly matters in your life.

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If you find yourself struggling with difficult thoughts and feelings and you’re interested in learning more about how to cope, I offer a complimentary 15-minute telephone or in-person consultation.

Please feel free to contact me to set up a time that works best for you.

What you can expect in our work together:

- Confidential, non-judgmental, and compassionate care

- Comprehensive assessment of your needs, goals and strengths

- Collaborative treatment planning rooted in evidence-based models

- Skill-building and development of effective coping strategies

- Home practice on a weekly basis to make sure you feel confident in applying the skills you are learning

I very much look forward to working alongside you on your journey toward wellness!