Happiness is a CHOICE: 8 Ways You Can Take Charge

You have the power to choose happiness.

Yes, it’s little cliché, but it is a cliché that is backed by empirical evidence. Happiness isn’t something that just happens to one person and not happen to others. Research in the field of Positive Psychology shows that happiness is a choice that anyone can make.

Some of you might be feeling a little skeptical as you read this, some might even be rolling their eyes!

But it’s true. There is a difference between those who are happy and those who aren’t, and it has to do with the way we think about things.

When I say, “choose happiness”, what I really mean is we can choose our perspective and outlook.

We can’t directly choose or control our feelings. If we’re feeling sad, we can’t think to ourselves, ‘I’m happy!’ and suddenly feel that way (although, that would be pretty cool).

We also can’t always control what happens to us in life. There are ups and downs, good and bad. Pain, heartbreak, and sadness are all a very natural part of life. And in fact, there is nothing inherently wrong with being unhappy. Quite the opposite, really. Feeling the full range of emotions is a natural and important part of being human. It’s okay to not be okay. The tougher times are often when we learn the most and experience growth as individuals.

But it’s important to not let these negative emotions hold us back or take control of our lives.

And this is where choice comes in.

We can’t directly choose our feelings or what happens to us, and we may not always be happy as a result of what happens, but we CAN choose the way we think about things.

And the way we think about things powerfully impacts how we feel.

Because of this, the ability to be happy is within our control.

Here are 8 ways that you can begin to cultivate happiness in your own life.

1. Foster Acceptance

As we’ve discussed, pain and sadness are an inevitable part of life. When experiencing pain, our initial instinct is usually to fight back, deny, or avoid it. But the thing about avoidance, denial, and fighting back is that it does not make our pain go away. In fact, it actually makes our pain worse and causes undue suffering. When we accept our pain, we make room for unpleasant thoughts and emotions, allowing them to come and go without resisting them, running from them, or getting caught up in them. When we resist our pain, we suffer and it becomes hard to focus on anything but that. Keep in mind that acceptance does NOT mean liking or wanting pain! Accepting the pain means making room for it. You’re choosing to allow it to be there when you can’t change it in the moment and you’re giving yourself permission to feel what you feel or experienced what you’ve experienced. Doing so helps to alleviate suffering. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

2. Nurture Self-Compassion

Practice self-compassion alongside acceptance. We are all too good at being hard on ourselves and self-critical when we make a mistake or when something does not go our way. But this often leads to feelings of shame, sadness, and anxiety. Rather than harshly judging yourself, try nurturing self-compassion, instead. Self-compassion means acting toward yourself with kindness, love, understanding, and acceptance, in both good times and bad. As RuPaul says, ““If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

3. Connect With Your Values (and then act on them!)

Deep in your heart, what’s important to you? What do you want your life to be about? What truly matters to you? Values are our compass; they guide our decisions. When we connect with our values and what’s important to us, and then act in ways that reflect our values, we are able to live a rich, meaningful, and fulfilling life. Make the commitment to yourself and do what it takes to live by your values. It’s okay to start small. It’s okay to take a tiny step. The size of the step doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re taking it.

4. Express Gratitude

Learning to become more grateful can make a huge difference is your overall happiness. It involves focusing on the present and on appreciating your life as it is today. Research actually shows that expressing gratitude can help you experience more positive emotions. It can also help decrease negative emotions like sadness, anxiety, and anger, as well as enhance self-esteem, improve relationships, relieve stress, and can even help strengthen your immune system! There are a number of simple ways that you can express gratitude, like keeping a gratitude journal and writing down the good things that happened to you during the day (no matter how small). You can also express gratitude by thanking someone in your life or by showing someone you appreciate them.

5. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a natural quality we all possess. To be mindful is to be aware and present, with flexibility, openness and curiosity. It is a powerful tool for living in and enjoying the moment, and appreciating the good things (hello, gratitude!). When practiced regularly, mindfulness actually decreases activity in areas of the brain associated with negative thoughts and emotions. At the same time, it strengthens activity in the areas associated with peace, joy, and contentment. It also strengthens areas responsible for regulating emotions. There are countless ways you can practice mindfulness, whether it be following along to a guided meditation (YouTube has tons!), doing a body scan, eating mindfully, or even taking a mindful walk. You can also try apps like Headspace or Calm, that provide mindfulness exercises in easy-to-understand ways. It is something you can do anytime, anywhere.

6. Cultivate Realistic Thinking

You don’t necessarily have to always be a positive thinker. Sometimes healthy skepticism is appropriate. Instead, try seeing if you can be more balanced and realistic in your thinking. See if you can catch yourself when getting stuck in negative or anxious thoughts. Ask yourself, is there another way I could be thinking about this? What evidence do I have for this thought? How likely is it to happen? Am I thinking I can predict the future? And if it were to happen, what skills do I have in place to cope? What’s a more realistic way of thinking about it? Remember, if we can change our thoughts, we can change how we feel.

7. Laugh!

Research shows that smiling and laughing helps to boost mood, lower blood pressure, and reduce certain stress hormones, while increasing our feel-good hormones, like serotonin and dopamine. (My favourite way to get in some good laughs is to catch up on a few episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine.)

8. Develop Good Self-Care Practices

Make self-care a priority! Don’t be afraid to focus on yourself and give yourself what you need. Exercise, eat a balanced diet, get enough sleep, and of course, be kind to yourself.

When working on cultivating happiness through these skills, I encourage you to strive for progress and balance.

Remember, no one is happy ALL of the time.

Instead, see if you can focus on having more meaningful and positive experiences, while accepting the times that are more difficult. Enjoy the happy moments, be present in them, and live your life fully.

There is a lot of power in realizing that we are in charge of our own happiness. Harness that power and happiness will follow.

Next Steps for YOU

If this blog hit home for you and you’re looking for some support in cultivating your own happiness, I offer a complimentary 15-minute telephone or in-person consultation.

Please feel free to email the clinic at admin@drdarou.com to set up a time that works best for you. Alternatively, if you are feeling ready to dive in and get started, you can book your first appointment with me at Darou Wellness (click here).

What you can expect in our work together:

• Confidential, non-judgmental, and compassionate care

• Comprehensive assessment of your needs, goals, and strengths

• Collaborative treatment planning rooted in evidence-based models

• Skill-building and development of effective coping strategies

• Home practice on a weekly basis to make sure you feel confident in applying the skills you are learning

I very much look forward to working alongside you on your journey toward wellness!

I regularly blog about mental health concerns, so check back in for more on coping with anxiety, depression, insomnia, emotional difficulties, trauma and general coping and mental wellness.